


Control

by littleli0nheart



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: Control Issues, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 09:44:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16972263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleli0nheart/pseuds/littleli0nheart
Summary: Maybe Tori Vega isn't always in control, and maybe Jade West isn't as heartless as she seems.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for eating disorder talk and a self-harm reference. Just in case.

_..._

"You know you can't just skip out on lunch, Vega." Jade says upon entering the girls bathroom, where she was almost certain she’d find the Latina.

"I'm not skipping lunch,  _West."_

"Oh, _really_?" Jade cocks a studded eyebrow at her. "Let's see... conveniently 'forgetting' things in your locker every day? A locker that is literally _three_ seconds away, and yet it somehow takes you 20 minutes to come back empty handed. Or it’s ‘studying’ for some mysterious test in the library during lunch block? Or you’re finishing up a 'project', when we all know that you’re a straight-A student  _ **and** _we have the same fucking classes?"

Tori just ignores her and walks over to the sink.

Jade's not finished yet, though. "How about these strategically placed bathroom trips after which you come back more pale than I am, your face is all puffy, and your eyes look like you just smoked an effing bowl with Snoop Dogg?? Yeah, let me see your knuckles, Vega.." She grabs Tori by the wrist, roughly spinning her around, but the girl snatches her hand back.

"Touchy, touchy. What no excuse? No witty comeback?" Jade taunts.

"Fuck off Jade," Tori says, turning back to face the sink.

"My, Little Miss Tori Vega over here just used a curse word! Could it be that little ol' me is onto something?" Jade taunts in her 'Southern Tori' accent, her eyebrow raised up in amusement.

"First of all, I _don't_ — you know what, I don't even care. Bye Jade." Tori tries to storm past her, but the raven-haired girl grabs her arm before she can leave.

"Vega, wait!" Jade yells.

"Why do you care?" Tori challenges.

"I just _do_ okay," Jade relents, making Tori stop. "This is  **not**  the way to deal with things."

" _Excuse_ me? What do _you_ even know Jade?"

"Do you think I haven't _been_ where you are? Feeling like you have no control over anything so you find it in whatever way you can? Why do you think I'm so  **fucking**  insane about my image?" she confesses, before looking around to make sure they were alone. "Why do you think I have  _these_?" she adds, pushing up the sleeves of her lace top to reveal a plethora of fading white and pink lines.

Tori gasps, but Jade continues. "When you do stuff like this to yourself, you just get left with scars and nothing actually gets any better."

"Jade I..." Tori  starts, unsure of what to say. She reaches out to touch them.

" **Don't.** " Jade pulls her arms away but doesn't cover them back up.

"I've never self-harmed," Tori tries to assert.

"Bullshit."

"What?" Tori responds, confused.

"What do you think _this_  is? Making yourself sick, avoiding food.. it might not leave visible scars on your body but it's still destroying you. Tell me, Vega, what does the voice in your head say to you? Hmm? Does it tell you you're stupid? That you'll never be good enough? Does it tell you you're unlovable? Worthless? A fuck up?"

"How—" Tori starts, but Jade cuts her off.

"Because it's the **same** fucking voice, Vega. Just a different name and a different mask it's wearing."

Tori's eyes are fixed on the ground and she can't stop the tears that are starting to fall.

"No—fuck Vega, don't..." Jade tries, but doesn't really _do_ the whole 'crying' thing.

"Jade, I just—it's... _ugh!_ " Tori gets out, frustrated, but it's not exactly saying anything.

Jade tries again. "Vega—Tori..." She clears her throat and reaches out to tentatively lay a hand on the smaller girl's shoulder. Tori recoils at the touch and Jade retracts her hand, chewing her lip. "Look it's okay, you can talk to me. I... _get_ it." She hopes this is what being comforting is supposed to look like.

"I thought I was in control of it. I mean I was in the beginning. But then she got louder, the voice I mean. I can never make her happy and she yells at me when I mess up..." Tori manages to tell her, "Like... things you tell me, but a million times worse."

It hurts but it's not unfounded, and Jade thinks before responding. "I...I'm sorry, Tori. I... get extremely defensive and I don't know how to deal so I lash out... but I am sorry that I added to this," she apologizes genuinely.

"It's not _just_ you..." Tori tries to tell her, but Jade's not having it.

"But I'm not exactly nice to you... I stole your blood from a fucking hospital lab for god’s sake!"

"I know."

"I—wait, you  **knew** I did it?"

"Uh yeah, as soon as I came to and put the pieces together. I mean the second pint wasn't your fault though..."

"My point _is_ ," Jade continues, determined to make things right, "I don't want my lack of a filter to add to that disordered voice in your head...and I'm sorry that it has."

Tori is silent, because she knows this isn't the time to argue and she knows that Jade is right. She nods in acknowledgement.

"I don't really want to talk about this anymore right now," she tells Jade quietly.

"Ok, Vega, that's fine.." Jade doesn't want to push her too far too fast either - not with this. "I know we aren't the closest and I'm sorry I've been such a gank to you, but just... know you can talk to me about this though, okay? If you want to. You might not care, but _I_ actually do." She tells her sincerely. "As much as I love seeing you suffer... I don't mean like this."

Tori's silent for a moment but then, "Thanks, Jade," she nods, wiping the last of her tears away. The smallest of smiles playing upon her face.

"Come on, now let's get back to the table before the other children get suspicious," Jade says ushering Tori out of the bathroom.

-

"Where were you guys?" Andre asks when Jade and Tori join them at the lunch table.

"I—" Tori stammers.

"Vega was helping me with something for this screenplay I'm working on." She looks over at Cat, who's dressed as some kind of a giant pink bird and cocks an eyebrow.

"What the  _ **hell**  _did we miss?"

Tori shoots her a thankful look and Jade simply nods in response, the ghost of a smile on her lips. Tori knows she has a long road ahead of her but if she's honest, she's glad she has someone like Jade in her corner.


	2. Chapter 2

_**KNOCK** **KNOCK** **KNOCK**_  
  
“Shit,” Tori cursed. She turned the water off, closing the bathroom door behind her. “Coming!”  
  
She opened the front door right as Jade was poised and ready to bang on it again.

“Oh _good_.” The pale girl drawled as she folded her arms.

Tori raised an eyebrow, shaking her head at Jade and turned around, heading to the kitchen to grab herself some water.  
  
“Hey, you want something to drink?” Tori called out to the Goth, who had already gone and made herself comfortable on the couch.

“Yeah, a vodka tonic, hold the tonic.” She deadpanned.

“I meant like water, soda...?”

Jade rolled her eyes at Tori who completely missed the sarcasm. “Water’s good, Vega,” she waved dismissively.  
  
Tori came in with the drinks, handing Jade’s to her and setting her own down on the table.

“So did I interrupt your sleep just now?” Jade asked, taking a sip of her water.

Tori gave her a confused look. “No…?”

“Okay then what’s with the bloodshot eyes, Vega?” Jade looks at her.  
  
“Oh you meant _now_. I uh.. yeah! I was... taking a nap right before you got here. I guess I’m just not fully awake yet.” Tori nervously laughed.  
  
Jade looked at her skeptically for a moment before rolling her eyes, deciding to turn her attention toward their project.  
  
They made decent progress, Jade spouting off ideas and plot lines, and Tori writing them down while adding her own. That is, until they got off on a tangent. Jade had been telling some long-winded story about a dolphin, and Tori kind of tuned it out, instead becoming caught up in her own thoughts.  
  
“...But anyway, we should probably do ours second, since Sikowitz always comes waltzing in halfway through the class anyway, rambling some shit about his _coconuts_. But this way he won’t scr—“  
  
“I did it again.” Tori blurted out suddenly.  
  
“Huh?” The out-of-place comment threw off the Goth, making her stop in the middle of her rant. “What are you talking about Vega?”  
  
“I—” Tori started, dropping her gaze to her lap before continuing in a small voice, “I lied.”  
  
Jade’s brows creased in confusion. “You gotta give me more than that,” she prompted, sensing that now was not the time to fuck around. Something was clearly bothering the girl and _she_  had been **trying** not to be the cause of it... for the most part.  
  
Tori took a breath, looking anywhere but at Jade. “I um, I _hadn’t_ been asleep when you got here. I just, um...”  
  
“ _Vega_. Tori, look at me.” Jade told her. There was no malice in her voice, but also no room for debate. An uncharacteristically gentle hand lifted up the younger girl’s chin to meet her gaze, and Tori actually found a pair of concerned eyes searching her own.

“Did you make yourself sick before?”  
  
Tori closed her eyes like it pained her, and slowly nodded her head, waiting for whatever lecture or taunting she was sure was about to follow.  
  
Instead the pale girl sighed deeply, pulling the brunette into her arms, and to say that Tori was shocked would be an understatement.  
  
Tori opened her mouth to speak, but Jade cut her off. “Before you start, _stop_.” Tori closed her mouth, and Jade continued. “Look, I’m not gonna make snarky comments about this or even yell at you for it. Like I told you when I found you in the bathroom that time, I get it... and I know it’s not something that just goes away overnight.”  
  
“Jade I—”  
  
“ _However_ because I care and because it’s almost dinner time, we are going to eat something together.” Jade informed her, raising an eyebrow. She shot the girl her signature ‘ _try me_ look’, and the singer knew she had no room to argue.

—-  
  
It started out smoothly, Tori and Jade were sitting at the island in the younger girl’s kitchen, eating an easy salad - lettuce, tomato, grilled chicken, and feta cheese crumbles, with some sort of light salad dressing. For most people it would be considered just a very basic salad, but for Tori, it was a lot more than she thought was needed. She reasoned with herself - if she only ate _half_ her plate, Jade would be satisfied and it wouldn’t set her too far back.  
  
Tori watched Jade out of the corner of her eye while they talked about some random topic. She only allowed herself to take bites when Jade did, but before she knew it, both girls had finished their entire bowls. Tori didn’t think anything of it until she looked down and realized _just_ _how_ ** _much_** _she’d eaten_.

Unbeknownst to her, Jade had also had her eye on Tori the whole time. She noticed the change in the Latina’s demeanor when she saw girl’s eyes become glued to her bowl. Just as the Goth was about to open her mouth, Tori shot up from her chair, and turned to make a run for it.  
  
“ _Tori!_ ” Jade was quick to follow, grabbing Tori by the arm before she could reach the hallway, and pulling the girl back toward herself.  
  
“NO!” Tori tried to yank her arm back, but Jade was not having it. “Jade!” Tori cried. Instead Jade grabbed Tori by the waist, pulling her into a vice like grip.  
  
“LET ME FUCKING  ** _GO!_** ” Tori screamed.  
“NO! I am NOT letting you GO!” Jade yelled back through gritted teeth, as she tried to keep her hold on the thrashing girl. “NO, _stop!_ ... **TORI!** ”  
  
The younger girl’s violent movements began to slow as sobs wracked her body and she struggled to gasp for breath.

 _Okay we’re doing this then_ , Jade decided after a quick internal debate. She guided Tori to the floor and positioned herself behind her, so that the singer was leaning against her chest. “ _Tori_ , just.. breathe with me. In and out, okay?” Jade instructed, in a firm yet surprisingly gentle tone. She was still holding onto the girl but less tightly now, and eventually Tori’s breathing started to stabilize. The smaller girl was still crying, so Jade began carding her fingers through the brunette’s hair as she spoke.

“Vega I know what your mind is saying to you right now, and it is **lying**. Don’t listen to it.. Focus on _me_.” Tori buried her face in her arms, not wanting to be seen like this. “I promise you that this one meal is _not_ going to make you balloon up, and I can assure you that you did _not_ eat too much. I’m going to be honest here and tell you that you don’t have an accurate understanding of what a ‘normal’ amount of food is at the moment. The amount that you ate? It is **far** less than what’s healthy.”  
  
There was zero malice in Jade’s voice, nor was she even attempting to mask her concern with sarcasm.  
  
“You did **not** fail by eating, Tori. You are _sick_. This is the first step to getting better.”  
  
“And if I don’t know whether or not I _want_ to get better?” Tori finally spoke.  
  
Jade hugged her tightly for a moment.  
  
“I can’t force you to... help only works if you choose to accept it. But I also know there’s something in you that made you want to tell me again. And something that made you agree to eat dinner with me. And there’s a reason you haven’t kicked me out of your house yet.”  
  
Tori just shrugged.  
  
“But since I’m speaking honestly anyway, I do hope you do. Not only because you’re a human being who deserves to live a healthy and full life, but because you’re important. To your family, to your friends... to _me_.” Tori looked up at that. “You are.” Jade paused for a second. “You’re beautiful and talented and the most caring person I’ve ever met, so much so it sometimes sickens me.” She rolled her eyes. “There’s a light in your eyes that’s been gone for a while and honestly I miss it.” Jade finished, internally cringing at how cliché she just sounded.  
  
Tori was left speechless, letting Jade’s words sink in.  
  
“Jade?”  
“Yeah?”  
“You...care?”  
“Yeah. I care. A lot.”  
  
“But...why? After all this time of acting like you hate me?”  
  
_Well I don’t know if I should be that honest…_

“I… I’m snarky. Even to **Cat** and she’s my best friend. That’s just how I am, nature and nurture I guess. I promise you I don’t hate you.”  
  
Tori looked at her skeptically.  
  
Jade paused, biting her lip, unsure of how much she wanted to divulge to the brunette currently in her arms. Inwardly, she rolled her eyes at the irony of the situation.

“Okay,” Jade sighed. “At first I was jealous because, here comes this new girl who’s pretty and talented and on my level, and then I could tell that Beck was instantly attracted to you, and Beck...” she paused for a second before continuing on with her explanation.

“Beck was really the only thing that I always had to count on. So I felt threatened, and even though yeah I know you respected our relationship, it was easier for me to put that on _you_ rather than entertain the thought that he might...”  
  
“Cheat.” Tori finished for her, frowning.  
  
“Yeah...” she swallowed, shaking the memory out of her head. “But then you had to go and be so fucking  **nice** to everyone - even me, which made it so damn hard to hate you. And somehow you became the one I went to at midnight when Beck broke up with me, or whenever my parents— _yeah,_ and you made me feel all of the damn things I was trying to numb and ignore...”  
  
Jade looked away.  
  
“And then, you...you make me feel even  _more_ things that I don’t know what to do with, and I don’t know how to...” She trailed off, hating the way she knew she was blushing. “But no matter what I’ve tried to do, I can’t hate you. So I’m just done pretending that I do,” she finishes in a small voice.  
  
“Jade?”  
  
“What?” Jade moved to look down, and Tori grabbed the back of her head, pulling her down into a kiss that neither one _actually_ expected to happen.  
  
It took Jade by surprise at first, but she relaxed into it, hands leaving the girl’s waist and threading through her hair to pull her closer.

A minute or two later they both pulled back for much needed air, and it was Tori who spoke first. “You have _no idea_ how long I’ve wanted to do that for.”  
  
This time it was Jade who was left speechless.  
  
“I...you,” Jade stammered.  
  
“Wow, _big bad Jade West_ left speechless from a kiss?” Tori teased, in her own Southern Tori accent.  
  
“Shut up, Vega!” The actress quipped, face growing warmer by the second.  
  
Tori reached up and gently stroked the girl’s cheek, smiling. “I think it's sweet.”  
  
Jade narrowed her eyes at her and Tori quickly dropped her hand.  
  
“Don’t think that has distracted me from _this_  situation,” Jade warned, gesturing to the kitchen behind them.  
  
“I-I know.” Tori sighed, leaning her head against Jade’s chest.  
  
Jade held her softly, resting her chin on top of the Latina’s head.  
  
“You have a bright future ahead of you but you won’t live to see _any_ of it, if you keep going down this road...” Jade told her, voice nearing desperation, “I- _I_ _need_ _you_ _to_ _stay,_  Tori.” Jade sounded like she was about to cry herself, which drove the girl to speak.  
  
“I’m scared, Jade. I can’t... I mean I don’t, know what my life would look like without at least being in control of this.”  
  
Jade sighed, knowing all too well what kind of shit the lies spew. “That’s the prettiest lie self-destruction gives - that you’re ‘in control’ - when really _it’s_ controlling _you_.”

“We aren’t meant to control everything,” Jade added, “or so they tell me, anyway. But I’m starting to believe them. If you need someone to walk with you through this, I’m here, Tori. I... _care_ about you.”  
  
“I care about you too, Jade.” The Latina gives her the smallest of smiles.  
  
“Since it’s already kind of late, what do you say we just say ‘screw the project’ tonight, and watch movies?”  
  
“I’m game. Do you wanna just spend the night?” Tori asked, tiredly.  
  
Jade smirked at her. “ _Whoa_ there Vega, moving a little fast now, aren’t we?” She winked, teasing the younger girl.

“ _Wha.._ I-I didn’t mean, I—”  
  
“I’m just messing with you,” she joked, before throwing her a sultry look and letting her voice drop. “ _Of_ _course..._ it’s not that I would min _—”_  
  
“Oookay, so what movie?” The brunette cut her off, blushing profusely, and quickly removed herself from the pale girl’s lap.

Jade raised a studded eyebrow and smirked, thoroughly satisfied by the girl’s embarrassment.

  
—  
  
  
Tori was already on her bed when the Goth came in from changing into the black tank top and grey sweats she was given to sleep in.  
  
Jade is a little uneasy when she sits down on the other side, but tries to make herself comfortable, busying herself with plugging in her phone on the nightstand.  
  
“Jade?”

“Hmm?”

When Jade sits back, Tori gently reaches over and runs her fingers down Jade’s arm, “Can I?”

She debates for a moment before nodding, allowing Tori to turn her arm over and touch the scars that she herself hates so much. Jade bites her lip, as she watches her run her fingers over them, realizing that this is, by far, the most intimately she’s ever let a person in. And she’s surprised to find she’s okay with it.  
  
The tan girl looks up at her. “I’m here too Jade, if you need someone to walk with you. I need **you** to stay.” Sincerity drips from her voice.  
  
The pale actress smiles - yes, actually smiles - putting a hand on Tori’s cheek and running her thumb over it.

“I’m not going anywhere, Vega.”

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be one or two chapters. Stay tuned.


End file.
